What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 01:19
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why did i forgive my father ?
We were not on the streets..
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He knew the spot.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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As i do to all so called friends.?
But it wasn’t much.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Especially a lifetime of it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She was in good health!
Im still living with it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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I will be 64.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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So whats the point in blame.
Would this be the day?
I said to her
Is The Last of Us Part 2 really as woke as people say it is?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Women like what they hear while men like what they see, it that true?
Comes on , in middle age.
Who then, do I blame.?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But ive been too sick for many years..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
How does it feel to be in a marriage without any love?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was seconnd youngest,
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was very sick at this time too.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
What did i know ?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
All the time i was locked up.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was 9 years of age.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I don,t even have a pension.
My life is so biszare .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But, we were locked up after school.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She married twice! .
Ive learnt so much.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I waited trembling.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My family never makes their pension either.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I write beautiful poetry .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She loved him until the end.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And i lived it daily.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I think the readers, may guess!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was scared of men, in general
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I have no regrets .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
When she asked me how she looked .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Put me off passion for life!!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
It was going to be , some day.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She wouldn,t have been !
One cannot live in the past .
This is soul school!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We all went to grammer schools
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He resisted the act ,that day.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So, i spoilt her more .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She found it foreign!.